The Beginning

I haven't had a Blog in a really long time. I think maybe that is because I always get in trouble for it. I used to keep a journal hidden on my computer, however snooping eyes of fellow roommates always seem to find them. I used to write in a journal, but my hand writing is so completely atrocious that I have given up. I need this to vent, because I find that I don't so much need advice, I just need to talk my way through my shit and I usually know the right thing to do (or at least I hope so). Its weird that I write this as if people will actually read it other than myself, but for some reason it comforts me. Lets start off with the basics. I am 20, I live downtown and I hate my living situation. Not a big fan of my job either, but that is for a differnt post. I live with my older sister Renee and my ex-boyfriend kind of boyfriend Xzavier. Renee is my step-sister who doesn't really feel like my sister, but more like a best friend. I never really fit into the family growing up and it wasn't until College that we both discovered how completely awesome the other was. Basically inseperable from that point on...until Renee dates someone (that she actually likes, that is key). Which I'm not jealous, hurt a bit to be cast aside so easily, but I understand. I consider her my bestfriend when she is single, and a distant relative when she isn't. Xzavier is.... a long story. I can't figure out where I stand with him, or where I want to stand with him. We broke up and then he lived on the couch. Then we kind of tried to work it out, but then I said no, it won't work. Then he convinced me to try it anyway, and I said ok, but I'm not sure if its worth the time and effort. I don't know. We've been dating off and on for three years. We are one of those annoying couples that never stay broken up for long becuase even when we are apart we are still together. We just either need to figure our shit out and make it work, or get the hell away from each other because we are completely destructive. Well, I'm more destructive towards him than he me. He is just holding me back, or I hold myself back when I'm with him. I don't know. I have a hard time settling for anything for very long. I'm very fickle and can't ever make up my mind. The fact that I finally decided on a career field is absolutely amazing! I just never am sure of what I want and so therefore I always doubt whatever is going on and make myself compeletly miserable. Its a talent really. I just wish for once I could figure something out on my own without Xzavier or my mother interfering. Which apparently isn't possible because both have lots to say about EVERYTHING. I love my mother dearly, look up to her, etc, but she can't keep her two cents out to save her life. But, what can you do, that is a mothers job. Unfortunately she takes it too far sometimes. Xzavier just feels the need to convice me to stay with him and give him another shot....what I can't figure out is why would you want to convince someone of that? It just gets tiring after awhile. I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL MY LEASE IS UP.